When I told my mom that I wanted a professional woman as my wife, she got me one; a Chartered Accountant.
She uses LIFO method while taking out the refrigerated food. She thinks I am no good at figure work. Fine with me, for now she handles the budget of the house.
Initially she used to send me a bill at the month end, but when I told her that I am not her client but her husband, she asks for the money in advance. The expenses had been rising steadily over the months, so one day I snooped into the papers maintained in a current file.
No wonder! She was charging conveyance and overtime to the house budget.
She is crazy, I tell her but she corrects me. “No my darling, I am the auditor.” I fail to see the light.
Every scrap of the paper in our house is filed.
She tells me as per some Ordinance she must keep a copy of every thing for at least ten years before destroying it.
I am worried.
Not a long time back my brother’s wedding was to be solemnized. Wedding cards had been sent. After some time I started receiving a steady trickle of letters. I was puzzled until my wife explained that
external evidence was more reliable. She had called for confirmations from all those to whom cards were sent.
When she cooks, my wife at times does not go by recipe. Where the recipe says add half-teaspoon vinegar, one tsp black salt or one teacup of water, she ignores them. She says that they are not material
when taken in context of whole meal being prepared.
She is crazy, I tell you. Surprisingly everybody calls her an auditor, instead. I checked the dictionary and it did not state that auditor is a synonym for crazy. The dictionary must be outdated.
When we got married, she had given me an Engagement Letter and I Had said how cute-how sweet.Now she gives it to me every year saying that her standards state that it must be sent anew if there is any indication that I have misunderstood the objective and scope of engagement. Huh!
Apart from sending me the engagement letter once again she says I can’t get rid off her just like that. She says that she has the right of being heard before I appoint some one else. It seems I must keep reading one local and another English newspaper published and circulated in the vicinity of our house for more details. Phew! For a minute, I thought that we had jeopardized our going concern status. Duh! Dare I say so??
I am told by one of my female colleagues who is married to a CA that the scenario is even worse when the guy is a CA. Apparently he capitalised the wedding expenses as preliminary expenses and is writing it off every year.

Also the time he spent dating his wife before marrying her is still under consideration for valuation under AS-26…valuation of intangible assets.
So guys please think twice….should u really marry a CA? And yes please discount it by the appropriate rate to arrive at the present value of the risk of doing so !!!

In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty and disheveled as they could with grease and dirt.

They then went up to the examiner and told him that they had gone out to a wedding the night before and on the way back the tyre of their car had burst and they had had to push it all the way back, so they were in no condition to sit the test.

The examiner was a just person so he said, "OK you can have a retest after 3 days." They promised they would be ready by that time.

On the third day they appeared before the examiner again. He told them that it was to be a special condition test and all four were required to sit in separate rooms for the exam. They all agreed, as they had prepared well in the last three days. The test consisted of 2 questions with a total of 100 marks.

Here are the questions:-

Q1. Write down your name. (2 marks)

Q2. Which car tyre burst? (98 marks)

The man then announced that he would now pay $20 for each one. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. But soon the supply diminished even further and they were ever harder to catch, so people started going back to their farms and forgot about monkey catching. The man increased his price to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so sparse that it was an effort to even see a monkey, much less catch one.

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys for $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on his behalf. While the man was away the assistant told the villagers, ‘Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has bought. I will sell them to you at $35 each and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.’

The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys. They never saw the man or his assistant again and once again there were monkeys everywhere.

Now you know how the stock market works…

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away…

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called ‘Cowkimon’ and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of Democracy….

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive

2."This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."

3."I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"

4."This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

5."I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"

6."Actually I’m doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.

7."I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress."

8."Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

9."The coffee machine is broken…."

10."Someone must’ve put decaf in the wrong pot."

11."Boy that cold medicine I took last night just won’t wear off!"

12."I wasn’t sleeping; I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands."

If he has taken the table apart, put him in Engineering.
If he is counting the butts in the ashtray, assign him to Finance.
If he is waving his arms and talking out loud, send him to Consulting.
If he is talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for him.
If he is sleeping, he is Management material.
If he is writing up the experience, send him to the Technical Documentation team.
If he doesn’t even look up when you enter the room, assign him to Security.
If he tries to tell you it’s not as bad as it looks, put him into Marketing.
If he is wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, Software is his niche.
If he mentions what a good price we got for the table and chairs, send him to Purchasing.
If he mentions that hardwood furniture does not come from rainforests, Public Relations will suit him well.

A fine is a tax for doing something wrong.
A tax is a fine for doing something right.

Where there’s a will, there’s an Inheritance Tax.

The difference between the short and long income tax forms is simple. If you use the short form, the government gets your money. If you use the long form, the tax advisor gets your money.

Why won’t sharks attack tax inspectors? Professional courtesy.

The trouble with the profession of income-tax inspectors is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.

How many tax auditors does it take to find a $1.00 mistake in an expense report?
Three. One to find the mistake and two to discuss the significance of it